being 20 means?

i'm frustrated.

i thought i would really enjoy my time staying at home and going out with my family and so on... but all I see and feel now is that I'm the completely rebellious type and really, there IS a generation gap.

why do i feel there's a generation gap? Cos I'm frowned upon when I do so many things. This is like some typical stuggle of the "kadult", responsibilities of an adult but rights of a kid... this is so drawn out from teenage textbook or something =)

sigh.. i dun want to say what "why others can do this and I can't" cos there's no point and people will just retort saying there's no point comparing.. but seriously, it's not like i'm taking drugs and smoking crack or something.. I'm JUST staying up late!?!

switch off lights liao, volume to zero liao and playing games but still created the biggest furore at 3am. Call it overeaction man.

Whatever. I'm really quite pissed. This actually accelerates my desire to go overseas. and THAT is sad.

hoping for a better 2006

woeful times

i need to learn how to forgive.

that or I'll forever be guilty for some things.. hmmm.. it's true ain't it? the person who suffers the most is the person who cannot forgive and cannot forget things done to them - simply because he is constantly plagued by it and can even get guilty over it.

i'll try my best with God then. erase the "emotional" scars, and then carry on with life.. =)

aniwez, I'm very glad for one matter which is that my uni apps are FINALLY done!~ yippee! well, besides Michigan who thankfully has a deadline @ Feb 1... So now I'll just wait and see.. hopefully i get something.. haha.. i dunno what God's plans are for me now.. used to be darn adamant about going US and having a blast of a time.. but now, I'll just leave it to God lah, cos I realise whatever decision I make can be potentially flawed in anyway. so whether it's Singapore or USA, whether i get into a school or what.. haha.. I'll just leave it to God lah...

hee.. i wanna go back to the Chinatown shop to get more cds.. think i'm very shopping deprived. Haven't yet bought a single thing for these two months I think... wow.. haha

hee hee

i'm pretty gleeful i found the cd shop @ chinatown that sells parallel import cds at even cheaper prices of 5 to 6 bucks.. yippee!

got November Chopin since Nocturne (Ye Qu) kept replaying in my mind
also got Great Leap Forward to somewhat complete my David Tao collection.. but hehe.. i realise similar to k-box that doesn't read the Ze in "Tao Ze", my creative zen also can't read it...

aniwez speakign of my creative zen really makes me pissed. stupid machine works like 50% of the time or less for goodness knows what reason. when i sent it for repair at creative the retarded sales people said something like "oh.. you cannot switch on mcafee or the likes whilst ripping your tracks into the mp3 player or it will corrupt the file... HARH!?!

oh well.

my dad couldn't believe prices were so cheap and was pretty convinced they were pirated and the sound quality etc would be affected. sigh.. even self made burnt cds have no prob with quality lah...

i'm still so gleeful for my one week hols with absolutely nothing to do yet.. yah..can sleep in the afternoon, sleep late, go out at anytime of the day.. =) such freedom long never experience liao =)

christmas has a meaning... found it?

today is christmas eve.. here's a "jia-you!" to Jiaxin who's doing duty today... too bad the TV ain't working... *wry smile

went for an evangelistic event at my church today at night instead of merely just going to orchard road to "soak up the atmosphere". and you know what, methinks it's much much better than prancing around orchard road...

i think soaking up the atmosphere makes no sense if u don't even know the whole point of it.. so seriously amidst the glittering lights and fanciful bargains, I don't think there's much meaning... but somehow, the joy I felt at seeing family members of friends accepting Christ on this special day.. really touched my heart...

and to feel the real meaning of Christmas... the joy that God sent his only son to earth to save us from our sins.. something we cannot do either by our own merit or by our own thoughts... it's amazing lor.

i'm actually pretty sad that I nearly forgot about the whole meaning of christmas whilst frantically rushing through my essays... was even lamenting I had no chance to go orchard road and shop and all the crap... geez.

so people, know the true meaning of christmas? If not, come down to any of the churches on 25th, Christ's birthday to join in the celebrations and understand the true meaning of it all!

on an afterthought, Narnia was pretty decent, despite the incredibly cheesy moments during Peter's rite of passage into adulthood... i mean all the knightly stuff he was trying to do.. people were actually laughing at it... but overall, Tilda Swinton rocked man! acting like a complete dominatrix feminazi amazion warrior.. i know the idiot of a linken would start saying I'm living vicariously through such characters by screw him lor.

oh well... i just realised... MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

and i am gonna "kope" a picture from dan's blog... here's my "class" gathering @ marche yet again... haha.. the rest of the class is scattered round the world..

i want a dog

christmas is finally approaching! i have this "holidays-must-be-family-days-so-must-be-very-happy-and-do-lots-of-stuff" syndrome sometimes.. but think after learning from my birthday, it's best not to expect too much and just be.. well cheerful for each day eh? everyday is special as long as you spread warmth and love to others.. haha

ended my duty in the morning(last of the year duh!), and then proceeded to bid farewell to my bunk for the last time.. =) then went to eat breakfast with my parents @ crystal jade @ holland v.. there i saw a cute fuzzy dog that was limping around pitifully and i was like "so poor thing.. let's adopt it lah"...

my dad's reaction? "so dirty like a mongrel, better not touch later kena disease" -_-

and at that exact moment some caucasian went towards the dog to check what happen and massage its feet whilst tickling it..

that was such a touching move.. and says alot about different perspectives towards things eh?

i told my dad afterwards that if he saw a dirty scruffy child wandering around the streets looking pitifully would he also say the same words to the child.. -_-

oh well.. looks like despite my obvious soft spot for dogs.. i ain't gonna get one anytime soon

why chinese directors should not be given too much money

seriously when the reviews said the promise was bad, i didn't know the bad-ness started straight away... geez.. i thought 15 million was spent on this? what happened to the special effects?! why was everything so fakish like the circular palace and the underwater scenes? surely the money could be put to better use?

if that wasn't bad enough, i think chen kaige didn't quite know what he was aiming for in his movie.. he tried to put together some artistic, mysterious, cryptic tale with matrixy effects, somewhat like combining the artistry of colours in Zhang Yimou's Hero with the fighting sequences akin to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and add the mysterious element of Legend to form the promise...

more like promise to flop... geez.

i guess you can figure how bad the movie reeks when a typical melodramatic scene od the hero dying leaves people laughing and questioning instead..

seriously, it didn't quite make sense, the backdrops were painfully fake and the fighting scenes completely misleading.. what's the point then?

here's a tip to future chinese directors.. don't think you got a lot of money to splurge on movies and make beautiful sets then go and create some crappish mystical story with weak characters and attempt to enthrall audiences or create a blockbuster ala LOTR or Narnia.

it does. not. work. please spare the effort. and spare us the torture.

reunion time!

went for pretty many reunions this period of time cos I guess everyone wants to me up and see how everyone is before the year winds away..

met the OCS guys @ settler's cafe last sat where old cliques still remained and I guess people still generally remained the same.. it's nice to mix around with them again and realise.. things are still about the same a year away..

then met 1/4 of the class people today @ our lao di fang (sigh..) where we stayed put for 3 hours and the medical students were in full force, discussing cranium bones and parkinson's disease exercises.. wow.. is it an occupational hazard or what?

i'm seriously recontemplating whether taking medicine is a possible choice at times.. oh well.. I really dunno.. just see how things go? haha.. everyone seems so settled and secured in their education and lives and hear I am with no school hanging around with my money pool draining.. sigh.. security doesn't stick with me ehh

a lot of questions, a lot of issues... interesting times lie ahead..

so it was a wish not come true..

ok.. so i guess my number 1 wish for christmas didn't come true.. i didn't retrieve my 11B, Penn deferred me, sending me into a frenzy to apply for universities now and making me really stressed out over the whole event, and finally, I can't drive my dad's car to office tommorow liao...

oh well.. ya know something? i was surprisingly relaxed over the whole driving test thing considering how my sis was trying to prep my humongous ego from crashing when I most likely would fail, and how I reacted over Penn's deferrment.. really, i thank God for the fact for the church retreat, as well as my semi-meltdown over Penn, cos if not for that then maybe I'll really be crying by now... haha

but i actually don't think it's a big deal now lah... not trying to console myself, but think really there's no point getting frustrated over such stuff, but just let God lead... yeah, let Go and let God...

still need to work on the universities applications considering how scaringly near Jan 1 deadline is... sigh.. the hating of myself continues everytime I realise I have to rush report stuff and waste even more money.. but as I get more frustrated, I really again, thank God for the fact that He dropped friends around me who cared, called and unknownwingly consoled me over this semi-depression. =)

ok.. so now December is winding up, I'm all ready to enjoy Christmas! So soon leh... amidst my frustrations and worries I didn't even realise it! oh well.. i'll try to enjoy it amongst the piling admissions =)

disclaimer: to those who read this and think I'm going crazy or suffering from breakdown and start to console me or what, please don't. i'm not. it's just.. if you know me well enough, I ain't a person who goes around flinging my true emotions everywhere and hence I always just either project a stressed/aloof/sian mood...

for those who wanna gloat about my "failures", aiyah go on... the fact that I reported I failed my driving on my blog sort of already helped me break my ego barrier slightly, something which I am trying to learn daily and slowly change... that I'd be less arrogant and more dependent on God and to really open up..

changing apathy to love

yup, that's the theme of our church camp this year round, where both student and big bricks fellowship combined to have fun and get to know each other better...

got to learn alot from this retreat cos the theme resonated with what I felt about big bricks, that it was getting a little too.. staid? boring? apathetic?

i dunno. but i felt it lacked vitality and life. I guess Pastor Sim felt so too, and hence the theme of the retreat and the aim of the camp to inject fun into the fellowship and do serious review of fellowship aims and so on...

seriously, i think we are honestly heading in the right direction liao, and with the frowing population of the student fellowship, looks like things are looking good... thank god!

but the speaker did say alot of things that touched my heart... including that God loves me first and hence I should love Him back and spread this love, LIVE the love out... also that the love of God is so assuring that He will never leave you lonely and without a spiritual buddy nearby... they are like gems nearby for you to discover...

i dunno why that really touched me. maybe it's my whole life story of struggle with maintaining lasting relationships with friends or maybe it's just the SIMPLE yet POWERFUL assurance that aren't we just so blessed to have God's unchanging, reassuring love?

I can jolly well flunk all my exams, not get into a single school, knock down all the poles in the circuit.. but seriously, at the end state, God still loves me and i dunno.. but that message was just veru powerful.. it's just me He loves... not my actions or what, and now He wants me to spread this love to others.. to let them feel it too.

there was something else i felt too, I dunno maybe i'm thinking arrogantly again or what but I think God wants me to be a good example for the student fellowship younger boys cos somehow I seem to be able to connect to them not in a way like a Teacher or Mentor like Wenhan, but more as a older friend or so on... i dunno, but that's what I feel and if so, then well I'll try my best to reach out to them and understand them better...

Back to more practical stuff, today was pretty fun leh, though i din get to enjoy the games at all cos I was station master for one and organizing for the other. =( Still it's gratifying, (though irritating to train my humble)to see people thoroughly enjoying the game and telling you you did a good job.

We played Amazing Food Race and Night Treasure Hunt (an adaptation of a Survivor Immunity Challenge where contestants heard a story and ran about finding stations to answer questions). Gee.. guess who thought out the games? =)

Night Treasure Hunt turned out to be (methinks) a success thanks to God, cos the excitement was really there as all 4 teams found all 6 "cities" at around the same time and all dashed to locate a "key" in a dark room before desperately trying to find their lock at the carpark... a great finale i think and by the end everyone was wiped out but i guess thoroughly happy. Praise the Lord!

I'll post pics if I have them... quite a memorable experience.. haha..

tired liao.. sleep!

i hate university essays

the best way for universities to deter potential applications is just to come up with various contrived essay topics for hapless hurried students to write over and over again about how they are clamouring to enter the school and have done years and years of research over the school and the topic they want to study

gee thanks!

thanks for making me seem so stupid and inadequate, that is.

seriously, i cannot for nuts split my "interest" and "enthusiasm" to dig out 5 separate school's past history and glorious accolades and alumni to write a glittering essay regarding the school

the only alumni i probably know is that Randal (The Apprentice 4) came from MIT. and that Rafe and Brian (Survivor 10) are Ivy League students. That is how pathetic i am. =(

Similarly, I cannot fathom why people are so inclined to ask why I am so darn interested in the particular field of study and how various experiences have "broadened" my interest and blah blah blah of that sort!

like i would serious go and chronicle every single major event in that bloody field of study through my studying years! and like i wasn't forced into taking my particular field of study due to (a) i need a credible andf pratical work and (b) i kena FORCE by something.

so seriously, i can't really answer such questions without looking exceeding stupid and shallow. serious, i cannot tell you which engineer developed whatever shit or what, but i probably can tell you who won what challenge in survivor and that sort. and why who voted for who, and why the weavers are such pathetic trash.

this is sad. i should just reconsider my field of study and put sociology and psychology and architecture.

too bad the world is so practical. hopefully these things will end soon.

strike one for the clerk

my clerk is going to get one whole day off DEDUCTED thanks for sending me on a wild goose chase today to cmpb when all i was supposed to do was to log-in to miw.

how smart.

grrr

suave and dashing?

thanks to haihan for the photos that I "koped" without asking.. =)




i don't get the whole drift about why girls seem to swoon over officer's wearing no. 1 uniform or something but hehe... since people say the few times you get to look suave and dashing is when u get married, u comission and when u do such stuff like sword bearer, then i might as well capitalise and take as many pics as possible. (thou i think i look fat liao... tiens!)

whatever it is, it was fun and a good experience. last time in no. 1 as well maybe...

setback after setback

sometimes i really wonder why I seemed to be completely cursed with forgetfulness...

with the umpteenth time of my loss of 11b, I yet again have to fork out money to pay for a replacement, get down to cmpb, waste two whole week's of work that's stored in my 11b.

if that's not bad enough, i was retarded enough to forget to bring my spectacles to work on weds. meaning I was walking around, peering intently at stuff, trying to figure out what they were..

and if that's not buggerating enough, I still do not have my understudy, sometimes which is seriously reaching alarming proportions since S1 said that CPC hasn't sent any posting order yet.

IT IS NOT FAIR. BTO's understudy has come, who apparently thinks I do not like him. wierd.

IT IS NOT FAIR. Derui can take the chance and gloat at me especially when he gets his understudy at 21st... no no no!!! sheesh.... looks like mr derui's prognostication might actually come true.. but i'll kill him before that. hmpf!

IT IS NOT FAIR. Even the newbie-ish Div QM has his understudy whom he was FLAUNTING and FLAUNTING at the officer's mess today whilst Wee Kiat and I scored one win over Derui.. hehe

IT IS NOT FAIR. I have kena-ed enough arrows and stupid shit like being acting S4 for an inordinate and inhumane amount of time and I still don't get my reprieve?!

oh well. hope for a better week ahead. i'm already threatening to go on strike on 21st if my understudy still does not come. PLEASE!!! I got alot of things to do!!! uni apps are bothering the heck outta me!!!

the reason i watched advent children

what pissed me off was the movie kept tempting audiences like me with glimpses of aeris, with her playfully encouraging cloud and so on...

and when I was about to give up all hope at seeing my first love, she appeared once more in full view to cloud.

the music of her death still haunts me and brings back memories... (even though now putting it as my ring tone and hearing it 24/7 is starting to irritate me as well)

i didn't quite understand the show but hey.. i achieved my aim. =) though i wished tifa, yuffie and the rest had more action scenes instead of cloud's matix-esque fighting scenes and his ridiculuously enormous swords.

i also wished tifa could really wipe the smirk off that kadaj gang member's face man.. too bad sia

project runway

spoiler alert!

i must say, the winner of Runway really kicked ass... the whole collection is truly stunning and beautiful, connected, yet all so varied.



wow... nice!

on a side note, went to be a sword bearer @ Cpt Mok's wedding today.. pretty interesting experience, as well as a chance to talk about Christianity and some stuff about it to friends... will post pics once I get them. =)

2nd year of soldiership

i just realised.. i've just completed my second year of NS.

time really flies. where will i be next year?

aniwez, realised something about birthdays.. doesn't mean you have to accomplish everything, meet everyone on your birthday for you to be happy. i tried it today and ended up pretty frustrated with my family. sighz. oh well, I'm very very touched by my sister's actions, first surprising me with an (obviously not cheap) Crumpler Bag, and then surprising me again today with a cutesy chocolate swiss roll. (though I would rather something a tad more healthy? haha)

and yet another side point, SERIOUSLY how can anyone be so enamoured by a hoarse artist that looks like a fat walrus bursting out of her clothes and makes retarded comments about coming late for award presentations and hence not "fully" dressed.


Hi! I'm mariah your friendly neighbourhood walrus!

might be pretty rich of me saying this, but to aid my friend in curing his inane addiction, I must venture down this path... haha

-nitez-

amazing race down the drain

wow.. if there was a show that deserved the ward for "most deproved" award, it goes to amazing race family edition without a doubt.

this show spews chunks of trash at you as rude, loud, obnoxious americans traverse across the most boring and ugly places in america to do stupid tasks like take picture with some ol' fog. it's a crying shame compared to the classic TAR where Emily fought her fear fo rats in the Indian temple, Charla and Mirna saying "doctoro", and the scaling of the Rumeli Hisan by Meredith.

give me back my amazing race man! stop degrading it with whiny sisters, non-descript families like Linz and Bransens, and the most religiously-deluded family EVER, the weavers.

i'm seriously not watching this trash anymore. pooh.

and another note, IT'S MY BDAY TODAY!!!!! =)

today's off was quite difficult to take considering the mountainload of work I have to dump behind, thanks to so many changes to the management. got quite a lot of things to do today.. so well, better get started! =)

all i want for christmas/birthday is...

1a. my 11B found back
it's REALLY lost. i think somewhere in orchard. I tried the wallet jerking test today to see how my 11B could have possibly fallen out. well, quite easily actually if one compartment is flipped over. bummer.

1b. passing driving test

1c. getting into a cool Uni


2. Adidas Chile shoes - $169.90
I was actually pretty pumped to buy the shoes @ Heeren's Limited Edt Vault on Sunday but to my horror, they were SOLD OUT. I know the "limited edition" in "limited edition shoes" is probably crap cos there are probably like thousands of pairs floating around, but..but... wah liao! very difficult to find sia! now how? go Queensway and search? go Leftfoot?

-sianz-

3. A nice shirt from Zara/Guess etc.. something prom-ish to wear yet comfortable enough for other uses...

4. Charmed VCD Season 1 - $90+

5. Mayday CD, "Contentment" - $20.90

that's all i can think of now. No 1 being the HIGHEST priority. duh. it concerns my life dude.

aniwez, I passed my IPPT liaoz! got silver thanks to my 2.4 which honestly didn't do too shabbily considering I probably gre fatter after OCS... oh well.. a load taken off my mind.. but I still can't concentrate and work well cos I fricking do not have my 11B. how to check mail? how to recreate all the templates I have had? very irritating leh.

-sianz-

birthday curse?

sigh.. life ain't smooth sailing yet again as it approaches near my bday...

i've seemingly misplaced my 11B yet again, bringing it to an unprecendented 5 times liao i think. this is seriously so frustrating and pooh.. i'm so sick of myself losing stuff liaoz...

PLEASE GOD, LET IT BE AT THE OFFICE.... =(

very sad.

dunno if I have a birthday curse... let's recap.

last year 9th dec - i was stuck in Brunei in the miserable cold rain and my birthday passed without me remembering it. then came the most bitter time in my life when I kena OOC from JCC.

the previous year 9th dec - the shock of realising I had one day of freedom in my 18th bday before I was banished to serving NS. then came the whole screw up with Taurus and Gryphon.

sigh. hope this year really is peaceful and I can find my stuff asap. =(

december is a month of reckoning for me.

- my driving test is looming
- my univeristy application results will be coming soon
- i need to pass IPPT and the likes soon

God be with me through these times. regardless of whatever the outcomes, I can smile, take it, be humble and continue with life happily.

sigh

black is not the new black

i'm enraged.

i just spent $6 on some black useless plastic that was supposed to be my new handphone cover.

yah rite. JUST within a day, the silver plate at the front has fallen off, thanks to the pathetic dried superglue.

then the hook for the plastic part breaks.

and i'm left with a useless piece of plastic that i was intending to go around flaunting to Lin Ken and saying "black is the new black"

geez...

to the horrendously wicked and cheapskate salesperson at Junction 8 who sold me this piece of crap, I hope this is the LAST $6 you EVER make.

wah liao... cannot afford enough superglue issit? the plastic you recycle from the used up plastic frames of tamiya cars issit?

not even ONE day leh! what the heck is that!

comparisons of the mutants

was reading the newest x-men re-issues and hmm... find that the x-men team really does SUCK big time.

on the surface, it sounds pretty cool. you have a psychic (Rachael), a teleporter (Nightcrawler), a tin man (Colossus), a phase-wisp (Kitty), a laser shooter (Cyclops), a power-sucker (Rogue), an animal (Wolverine) and their leader, a powerless yet ingenious Storm.

but Rachael is uncontrollable and inexperienced, Cyclops is traumatized by Madelyne, Rogue gets overwhelmed by the super-villian psyche's she absorbs, Kitty can't do much except escape, Colossus does nothing much except get thrashed and thrown around and Storm is seriously POWERLESS.

no wonder it's so easy to whack them out flat. Tsk tsk.

My opinion on under-powered mutants?

Colossus - to the hell with his amoured body. He is but putty to Polaris, Magneto and Harry LeLand, useless against people like Arclight, Psylocke and so on. So often he needs saving that honestly, he doesn't do much help.

Rahne - tell me HONESTLY, does shapeshifting into a wolf with heightened senses help much more than.. say shapeshifting into a guinea pig ala Sky High?

Calisto - she gets thrashed by a powerless Storm. end of story.

the entire Morlocks community- to have infinitely more powers than the Mauraders and yet get wiped out so completely is a VERY SAD FACT.

Prism - his swansong? getting telekinetically smashed to bits against the wall by Jean Grey. wow. nuff said.

Mirage - what's the point of being able to possess people when you can't possess half of them!? and mostly you only possess your own team mates.

for those who dun understand the heck i am saying.. aiyah.. just go read the comics lor.. to each his own..