Saturday, October 17, 2009
quick! before i forget

things i learnt from my chicago roadtrip

1. don't explain miraculous one hour gains by daylight savings. you'll regret it on the way back. lolz
2. CHECK the frigging weather forecast. (cf sheryl)
3. bring spare tires. zomg.
4. policemen are CUNNING at night. when kanna tailgate by any car, just slow down.

must say.. despite all the mishaps.. this was a super fun trip!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009
something old, something new

so its been a week back in ithaca.. omg.. how things feel different yet so familiar at the same time.. its like me peering into 130c and yet not feeling a sense of comfort of home anymore, or strolling round collegetown realizing home is a literal stone throw's away. =)

school's starting in a few days. i can't help saying it, but im actually excited. =)

Friday, August 14, 2009
reflections from the tortured soul

its 3 days before i head back to ithaca.. really mixed feelings though, for those who know me, i pretty much went off the deep end the previous semester and carried all the festering issues to paris and subsequently back to singapore..

singapore has been great though. i've learnt alot. had alot of quiet time, lots of time to think, dissect, understand, feel hurt, resolve issues by myself.

things i have realised.

1. i am super competitive. some people might go 'duh' at this statement but honestly, i figure im so competitive that it actually hurts me. i dun enjoy what would otherwise be leisure sports, i compete in practically every possible thing. you know whats funny, (and to point 2) there was a particular person i once criticised/gossiped in jc to have ruined our friendship by his incessant comparisons and the boiling point was when he blew up when he realised we had similar cca scores even though he felt he hard worked much harder for it (well i don't deny that.. blame the system dun blame me) . competitiveness.. hmm.. i figure it actually stems from a sense of pride. pride that, instead of being manifested outward, is directed inward into a form of self-loathing, self berating and never allowing one to feel like.. 'ok you tried your best, frank, chill.' no, its a never-ending self chatisement, sense of incompleteness and incompetence, and of course it was not helped by the fact that i was honestly awed by the achievements of my close friends last semester.

thing is, it really boils down to pride. honestly, when we consider ourselves unworthy even when God has specifically said that he loves us the way we are.. then.. i wonder what sort of message we are trying to establish. what can't I accept myself as a beautiful, completed-with-God product that can be fully used as a vessel for Christ as long as I am willing to submit my will to Him?

2. it leads to the fact that I've come to recognise there's alot of bitterness within me, even as I establish a congenial, happy, and at times nonchalant demeanor. the bitterness manifests in one manner - my incessant gossiping and badmouthing of other individuals. i told sheryl that I got the feeling that we start gossiping mainly when we had a sense of bitterness and insecurity within our hearts and more often than not the exact topic we gossip about, or the people we gossip about are the exact issues that we often feel bitter about. its either that, or that there's a really twisted karmic retribution effect that attempts to place us in the exact situation of the people we gossiped previously of. i felt this so definitely this semester that it was like a proverbial slap across the face everytime i realised how my gossiping came back full circle to inflict itself on my life.

3. i have an obsessive complex with friends. boils down to my insecurity with being sociable, being within the 'popular crowd', being in the loop of matters. i once told someone i traced this complex to an incident of the past, where i had invited my primary school friends for my birthday party that was to be held in my house. not one came. ok im not being melodramatic, but honestly, it was a confluence of bad planning, a date that coincided with most people's travelling plans or maybe i was really that unlikeable, but it left a scar with me. (i mean it wasnt so bad since all my relatives and stuff where there, and i hadnt like invited alot of friends, but still.. well you get the idea) this lead to a few consequences: (1) i dont hold birthday parties anymore. (2) im deeply insecure about this, and to friends i honestly treasure, i become super neurotic. i expect that the amount of effort, energy, time that i put in would be reciprocated. of course, such a way of throwing my own neuroticisms onto others effective means that i become oversensitive toward my friend's perceived callousness and of course, I get hurt. kinda like a vicious cycle thingy. the thing is, last semester, it really hurt. i don't know when things started deterioriating, maybe when I kept sharing, but you kept placing barriers, walls, barricades, refused to share anything about yourself. then when i started getting neurotic.. well..

4. i really don't give up. honestly, it might seem like a good trait, but when its pretty obvious that the bus have left, the town has shut down and i'm the only one left on the train station, well.. i should errm wake up. thing is, i think i refused to submit to God's will and basically tried every single human alternative to make things work, but of course, things didn't work. in my mind, there's always this fantasy alternative that things would work out, that stuff would be reciprocated, that things could effectively change in an instant. but im wrong. its not that easy, and sometimes, we really have to kill that fantasy alternative and start living our realities.

am i ready for the next semester? well.. God, help me.

Monday, June 08, 2009
reconnecting to singapore

nope, contrary to the post title, i'm far from being done in paris but, it was just a growing realization that i haven't exactly been away from singapore for that long a period temporally, but psychologically, the jump this semester seems particularly pronounced.. maybe its just comes with spending more years away, or maybe its the crowd i've been mixing with, where the collective identity of my batch has shifted away from singapore after being away for so long. i tried to explain it as a sense of growing up and maturing much in us such a way that a quintessential part of my current constructed identity is now inextricably linked to us.. oh wellz.. haha

so, in bid to stop the jargon, errm, i attempted to reconnect with my singaporeaness, by going to xiaxue's blog. (cue massive roll eyes)..

really, apparently the memo that asian's dont do the blonde look well hasn't reached poor miss xiaxue, who honestly looks errm, kinda washed out and just odd. plasticky and fake sprang up to my mind. nevertheless, i trudged on, avoiding the videos, attempting to read some acerbic, catty comments that so characterised her previous entries (errm.. i think i last read them 2 years ago). to my apparent disappointment, the next entry was insanely LONG and just so filled with dross and crap about her prattling about her new blackberry and how she glitzed it up, with non essential photos and just a neverending nightmare of text. man.

gave up with the rest of the blog and attempted to see how lian she actually was when she spoke by watching one of the videos. my verdict? pleasantly surprised. she actually comes off still as pretty genuine and straight up, instead of what i would have expected (along with her look) to be a vapid, self-absorbed, english-mangling lian. i was actually entertained by her honest comments and offhand humoured comments. haha. but aiya.. this isnt exactly the way to connect to singapore... whatefs

Thursday, June 04, 2009
paris misadventures - the dance edition

now i know i should be sleeping and stuff, considering i need to clamber out of bed at around 8+ to get rid breakfast/lunch before heading off to tour a whole slew of sites in paris (hehe.. that's homework btw to the jealous cohorts) but then heck it lets recap the few days

this has been nothing but wow.. a whirlwind ride of fun, a sense of having to push ones boundaries, push myself outta my little meek self and haha.. well, a chance to heal from the bruising last semester has brought about. i'm getting there i suppose.

street jazz class was an insane blitz of cardio but a very cool phrase that errm.. honestly i couldn't coordinate my arms and feet too properly for several movements but nonetheless, it was super fun. man, i really wish i could be even remotely flexible, because as it stands, i feel damn paiseh to be like looking as though i'm not even trying when doing some stretches simply because i can't do it and in actuality i'm shaking all over. lol

the alvin-ailey inspired jazz class was the next one i chose to take. it said debutant, which i took to mean easy-peasy warmup introduction to stuff. color me all forms of wtf-ness and just pure shock when the instructor launched into an insane assortments of balletic combinations (given up trying to write them in french) as warmup. note: warmup. -_-. but honestly, the movement phrase was really smooth and beautiful, mixing martial arts fluidity with a certain strength and power in movement. woweee.. i really like it, even though for a second succesive lesson, I was tired and just completely spent.

haha.. hmm that's it for now i guess.. 8 more dance classes to try out different styles.. wonder what i should go for next. lol

more paris misadventures (and yeah i should probably talk about paris itself soon) coming up

Thursday, May 28, 2009
regrets and cherishes

hey guys, long time no see/here/talk. i'm currently skulking in a mcdonalds in paris after dejectedly leaving several cafes that featured the most fabulous-looking patisseries and tartes but shocking non-anglais speaking waitresses. boy, i really need to learn french.

its been quite a whirlwind ride from ithaca to frankfurt to london and now paris. crossing the channel on a bus on a train was an interesting ordeal. note i say ordeal because the bus switched off the ventilation and left us in quite a paltry, hot condition. hmm, i dunno, somehow having alot of time in the bus alone set me off reminiscing the past semesters and just.. well cherishing and regretting stuff i guess.

i regret not spending more time with the 909 crowd. lol.. ok that's not taking away the awesome time spent with my housemates and batchmates but just, there's some je nai sais quo (my favourite phrase currently) within the mix and the conversation flows so easy. haiz.. it's upon a sad realization that next semester will feature not one 909-ner or people from my batch/cherie-ian's batch that somewhat feels.. empty. hmmm

i regret being so bloody emo this semester. well, for most part it couldn't be helped. there was emotional trauma and work needed to be done, but somehow i really wish i had been more obvious, active in what i wanted and also not so confused with direction in my life for the most part. the good thing, i think i found my direction in the end. i'll wait for you. =)

i wish i had been more money-smart and not frivolous to the point that money seemt to be like growing from apple trees. it's one thing to act atas for a day and splurge and another to completely believe in the hype and really live it up. my collective bank accounts are screaming out at my recklessness.. =(

hmm that being said, i cherish tons and tons of stuff. to my great friends that characterised my semesters in cornell so far, hats off to you. alex, joel, sheryl, gj, christina haha.. all the crazy nights, the cool meals will be stuff i will remember for quite a long while. =) sadly, most of u will not be around next semester liao.. =( to my dear pals in london as well, ryan, lipen, xiuf, ziyang and so on, wow.. london has been so so so fun with you guys especially at a time where i just need closure and retrospective space. =)

oh wellz.. its time to head on i guess.. paris, ready or not.. here i come.

Sunday, April 12, 2009
mental notes to self

1. DO NOT order anything with proscuitto ham in it. proscuitto = salty, salty, salty that not even good restaurants in ithaca and san fran could save it. (well, then again see point 2)

2. the heights is still overrated. both in terms of service and food. i think i'm seriously contemplating never heading back to that place again. first it was the near inedible pork roast dish oozing with tons of fat, then it was forgetting my caramelized sea scallops entree and then dishing up a overly salty proscuitto ham laced chicken with potato gnocchi.

3. maybe its the gnocchi. zzz

4. DO NOT overload the dryer in vp despite how tempting it might be to try to save money and stuff clothes aplenty into the dryer. just because there is space doesnt mean that clothes should be thrown in. zzz

5. if u intend to study, frank, then please switch msn and all other social networking stuff OFF.

6. when we say a short session of tennis, it usually means a minimum of 2 hrs. lol.

i so need to study. omg.