Saturday, October 17, 2009

quick! before i forget

things i learnt from my chicago roadtrip

1. don't explain miraculous one hour gains by daylight savings. you'll regret it on the way back. lolz
2. CHECK the frigging weather forecast. (cf sheryl)
3. bring spare tires. zomg.
4. policemen are CUNNING at night. when kanna tailgate by any car, just slow down.

must say.. despite all the mishaps.. this was a super fun trip!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

something old, something new

so its been a week back in ithaca.. omg.. how things feel different yet so familiar at the same time.. its like me peering into 130c and yet not feeling a sense of comfort of home anymore, or strolling round collegetown realizing home is a literal stone throw's away. =)

school's starting in a few days. i can't help saying it, but im actually excited. =)

Friday, August 14, 2009

reflections from the tortured soul

its 3 days before i head back to ithaca.. really mixed feelings though, for those who know me, i pretty much went off the deep end the previous semester and carried all the festering issues to paris and subsequently back to singapore..

singapore has been great though. i've learnt alot. had alot of quiet time, lots of time to think, dissect, understand, feel hurt, resolve issues by myself.

things i have realised.

1. i am super competitive. some people might go 'duh' at this statement but honestly, i figure im so competitive that it actually hurts me. i dun enjoy what would otherwise be leisure sports, i compete in practically every possible thing. you know whats funny, (and to point 2) there was a particular person i once criticised/gossiped in jc to have ruined our friendship by his incessant comparisons and the boiling point was when he blew up when he realised we had similar cca scores even though he felt he hard worked much harder for it (well i don't deny that.. blame the system dun blame me) . competitiveness.. hmm.. i figure it actually stems from a sense of pride. pride that, instead of being manifested outward, is directed inward into a form of self-loathing, self berating and never allowing one to feel like.. 'ok you tried your best, frank, chill.' no, its a never-ending self chatisement, sense of incompleteness and incompetence, and of course it was not helped by the fact that i was honestly awed by the achievements of my close friends last semester.

thing is, it really boils down to pride. honestly, when we consider ourselves unworthy even when God has specifically said that he loves us the way we are.. then.. i wonder what sort of message we are trying to establish. what can't I accept myself as a beautiful, completed-with-God product that can be fully used as a vessel for Christ as long as I am willing to submit my will to Him?

2. it leads to the fact that I've come to recognise there's alot of bitterness within me, even as I establish a congenial, happy, and at times nonchalant demeanor. the bitterness manifests in one manner - my incessant gossiping and badmouthing of other individuals. i told sheryl that I got the feeling that we start gossiping mainly when we had a sense of bitterness and insecurity within our hearts and more often than not the exact topic we gossip about, or the people we gossip about are the exact issues that we often feel bitter about. its either that, or that there's a really twisted karmic retribution effect that attempts to place us in the exact situation of the people we gossiped previously of. i felt this so definitely this semester that it was like a proverbial slap across the face everytime i realised how my gossiping came back full circle to inflict itself on my life.

3. i have an obsessive complex with friends. boils down to my insecurity with being sociable, being within the 'popular crowd', being in the loop of matters. i once told someone i traced this complex to an incident of the past, where i had invited my primary school friends for my birthday party that was to be held in my house. not one came. ok im not being melodramatic, but honestly, it was a confluence of bad planning, a date that coincided with most people's travelling plans or maybe i was really that unlikeable, but it left a scar with me. (i mean it wasnt so bad since all my relatives and stuff where there, and i hadnt like invited alot of friends, but still.. well you get the idea) this lead to a few consequences: (1) i dont hold birthday parties anymore. (2) im deeply insecure about this, and to friends i honestly treasure, i become super neurotic. i expect that the amount of effort, energy, time that i put in would be reciprocated. of course, such a way of throwing my own neuroticisms onto others effective means that i become oversensitive toward my friend's perceived callousness and of course, I get hurt. kinda like a vicious cycle thingy. the thing is, last semester, it really hurt. i don't know when things started deterioriating, maybe when I kept sharing, but you kept placing barriers, walls, barricades, refused to share anything about yourself. then when i started getting neurotic.. well..

4. i really don't give up. honestly, it might seem like a good trait, but when its pretty obvious that the bus have left, the town has shut down and i'm the only one left on the train station, well.. i should errm wake up. thing is, i think i refused to submit to God's will and basically tried every single human alternative to make things work, but of course, things didn't work. in my mind, there's always this fantasy alternative that things would work out, that stuff would be reciprocated, that things could effectively change in an instant. but im wrong. its not that easy, and sometimes, we really have to kill that fantasy alternative and start living our realities.

am i ready for the next semester? well.. God, help me.

Monday, June 08, 2009

reconnecting to singapore

nope, contrary to the post title, i'm far from being done in paris but, it was just a growing realization that i haven't exactly been away from singapore for that long a period temporally, but psychologically, the jump this semester seems particularly pronounced.. maybe its just comes with spending more years away, or maybe its the crowd i've been mixing with, where the collective identity of my batch has shifted away from singapore after being away for so long. i tried to explain it as a sense of growing up and maturing much in us such a way that a quintessential part of my current constructed identity is now inextricably linked to us.. oh wellz.. haha

so, in bid to stop the jargon, errm, i attempted to reconnect with my singaporeaness, by going to xiaxue's blog. (cue massive roll eyes)..

really, apparently the memo that asian's dont do the blonde look well hasn't reached poor miss xiaxue, who honestly looks errm, kinda washed out and just odd. plasticky and fake sprang up to my mind. nevertheless, i trudged on, avoiding the videos, attempting to read some acerbic, catty comments that so characterised her previous entries (errm.. i think i last read them 2 years ago). to my apparent disappointment, the next entry was insanely LONG and just so filled with dross and crap about her prattling about her new blackberry and how she glitzed it up, with non essential photos and just a neverending nightmare of text. man.

gave up with the rest of the blog and attempted to see how lian she actually was when she spoke by watching one of the videos. my verdict? pleasantly surprised. she actually comes off still as pretty genuine and straight up, instead of what i would have expected (along with her look) to be a vapid, self-absorbed, english-mangling lian. i was actually entertained by her honest comments and offhand humoured comments. haha. but aiya.. this isnt exactly the way to connect to singapore... whatefs

Thursday, June 04, 2009

paris misadventures - the dance edition

now i know i should be sleeping and stuff, considering i need to clamber out of bed at around 8+ to get rid breakfast/lunch before heading off to tour a whole slew of sites in paris (hehe.. that's homework btw to the jealous cohorts) but then heck it lets recap the few days

this has been nothing but wow.. a whirlwind ride of fun, a sense of having to push ones boundaries, push myself outta my little meek self and haha.. well, a chance to heal from the bruising last semester has brought about. i'm getting there i suppose.

street jazz class was an insane blitz of cardio but a very cool phrase that errm.. honestly i couldn't coordinate my arms and feet too properly for several movements but nonetheless, it was super fun. man, i really wish i could be even remotely flexible, because as it stands, i feel damn paiseh to be like looking as though i'm not even trying when doing some stretches simply because i can't do it and in actuality i'm shaking all over. lol

the alvin-ailey inspired jazz class was the next one i chose to take. it said debutant, which i took to mean easy-peasy warmup introduction to stuff. color me all forms of wtf-ness and just pure shock when the instructor launched into an insane assortments of balletic combinations (given up trying to write them in french) as warmup. note: warmup. -_-. but honestly, the movement phrase was really smooth and beautiful, mixing martial arts fluidity with a certain strength and power in movement. woweee.. i really like it, even though for a second succesive lesson, I was tired and just completely spent.

haha.. hmm that's it for now i guess.. 8 more dance classes to try out different styles.. wonder what i should go for next. lol

more paris misadventures (and yeah i should probably talk about paris itself soon) coming up

Thursday, May 28, 2009

regrets and cherishes

hey guys, long time no see/here/talk. i'm currently skulking in a mcdonalds in paris after dejectedly leaving several cafes that featured the most fabulous-looking patisseries and tartes but shocking non-anglais speaking waitresses. boy, i really need to learn french.

its been quite a whirlwind ride from ithaca to frankfurt to london and now paris. crossing the channel on a bus on a train was an interesting ordeal. note i say ordeal because the bus switched off the ventilation and left us in quite a paltry, hot condition. hmm, i dunno, somehow having alot of time in the bus alone set me off reminiscing the past semesters and just.. well cherishing and regretting stuff i guess.

i regret not spending more time with the 909 crowd. lol.. ok that's not taking away the awesome time spent with my housemates and batchmates but just, there's some je nai sais quo (my favourite phrase currently) within the mix and the conversation flows so easy. haiz.. it's upon a sad realization that next semester will feature not one 909-ner or people from my batch/cherie-ian's batch that somewhat feels.. empty. hmmm

i regret being so bloody emo this semester. well, for most part it couldn't be helped. there was emotional trauma and work needed to be done, but somehow i really wish i had been more obvious, active in what i wanted and also not so confused with direction in my life for the most part. the good thing, i think i found my direction in the end. i'll wait for you. =)

i wish i had been more money-smart and not frivolous to the point that money seemt to be like growing from apple trees. it's one thing to act atas for a day and splurge and another to completely believe in the hype and really live it up. my collective bank accounts are screaming out at my recklessness.. =(

hmm that being said, i cherish tons and tons of stuff. to my great friends that characterised my semesters in cornell so far, hats off to you. alex, joel, sheryl, gj, christina haha.. all the crazy nights, the cool meals will be stuff i will remember for quite a long while. =) sadly, most of u will not be around next semester liao.. =( to my dear pals in london as well, ryan, lipen, xiuf, ziyang and so on, wow.. london has been so so so fun with you guys especially at a time where i just need closure and retrospective space. =)

oh wellz.. its time to head on i guess.. paris, ready or not.. here i come.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

mental notes to self

1. DO NOT order anything with proscuitto ham in it. proscuitto = salty, salty, salty that not even good restaurants in ithaca and san fran could save it. (well, then again see point 2)

2. the heights is still overrated. both in terms of service and food. i think i'm seriously contemplating never heading back to that place again. first it was the near inedible pork roast dish oozing with tons of fat, then it was forgetting my caramelized sea scallops entree and then dishing up a overly salty proscuitto ham laced chicken with potato gnocchi.

3. maybe its the gnocchi. zzz

4. DO NOT overload the dryer in vp despite how tempting it might be to try to save money and stuff clothes aplenty into the dryer. just because there is space doesnt mean that clothes should be thrown in. zzz

5. if u intend to study, frank, then please switch msn and all other social networking stuff OFF.

6. when we say a short session of tennis, it usually means a minimum of 2 hrs. lol.

i so need to study. omg.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

the frank talk show

something annoys me. i honestly have caught the horrible senioritis bug from various sources and boy its chewing my time away by the hours... i blame joel for this mostly. but wow.. in school im in this 'OMG.. I HAVE SO MUCH READING, SO MUCH WORK TO CATCH UP" and yet when i get home i'm watching heroes, playing symphonia, settling bills, going to the gym (not that i mind that), watching make me a supermodel (which is not worth watching) and just.. wasting. my. time. it's as though the singaporean switch i once had has been shut permanently off, or like as though I have like been run off the 'asian' success treadmill. -_-. ah wadever.

aniwez, color me surprised that for yet another week, i floved heroes (thanks fuller!), got annoyed with thalia, got bored by amazing race (though I stood up cheering when tweedledee and dum got slapped with TWO time penalties.. ha ha ha you guys completely deserved it). and heroes.. wow.. i mean, i really felt the dialogue going on, loved peter's speech at the church.. i'm impressed, though slightly annoyed that mohinder is gonna plague my screens next week based on the previews

speaking of senioritis, i mark tuesday's adult psychopathology test as the first test in cornell i could not finish studying due to a confluence of factors. one being i was in a shitty mood. two being i realised in my studies that being depressed meant the shrinking of the prefrontal cortex and the anterior cingulate cortex (yeah this is the part you go wtf frank is SUCH a geek. screw you), which basically implies that our attention span is sapped as a result. -_- three being i was way too tired after the philly trip over the weekend which was yet again a hosts of firsts for me.

philly was a bittersweet experience. went to morimoto for an exorbitant dinner of 150 bucks per pax and thoroughly enjoyed it despite sheryl conviently kopping my term and calling the food underwhelming. went to mambo party in a considerably annoyed mood which led to an aftermath that led people calling me an emo-drunk. I SO AM NOT. and i wasn't drunk. -_- enjoyed the fine company nonetheless, it was such a crazy night. i've realised what a big hypocrite i am (i'm saying this so no one can go reading this and scoff and say the exact same critique of me), but like i realised i've been so condemining of going partying, drinking somewhat because it is something precisely that i don't get to do much. and so when i actually get the chance, err.. hmm.. i kinda plunge headlong. which kinda makes me a bit sad. i did think that it was a pretty shitty testimony i put out during some parts of the trip. oh wellz. it's also kinda scary because i was telling joel that actually i would be willing to try pretty much anything (ok CHILL IT, i don't exactly mean it, or at least it's not like i would have much of a chance)

i think this sem in general has really been like having a hard HARD look at myself and like understand the shit that goes on in me. i'm super flawed in many ways. i get obsessive with friends way too easily. i talk too much. way too much and gets misintepreted as being annoying. or maybe i'm just plain annoying. lol. i hate keeping secrets but love hearing them. lol. i could care less about alot of people. it's perhaps in a very candid way i say these things, but yeah.. i have much to learn, to change. i'm so easily influenced by people, despite me saying i want it MY WAY. i'm super confused about ALOT of things. alex can testify to that. joel probably can too.

haha.. ok im gonna sleep. zonked out.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

america's next top maid

yay i'm back! back emotionally at least.. wow.. this semester has really been.. well.. i think interesting is too mild to describe. well, it's been filled with pain, sorrow, anguish but yeah, hopefully now it's time for renewal, healing and chockful of God's grace and love. lol... ok i'm being cryptic.

aniwez, here's some rants i've stored up from watching a whole slew of TV shows

- thalia would you PLEASE LEAVE MY SCREEN. honestly, i'm not trying to be insensitive to burn victims but the fact remains that if you WEREN'T a burn victim, your chance of getting onto ANTM would be MUCH lesser than is the case now. you're NOT modelesque, so just look into the mirror, face the facts and stop whining! omg.. thalia makes me think the M of the show's title is Maid. -_-

- amazing race bores me. moving along. and btw, i still wanna rant about CBS' inane decision to put TAR at 8.00pm sundays because it ANNOYS the heck out of me that i try to watch the show at 8.00pm but get to see old farts on 60 minutes spew verbose trash at me for nearly an hour.

- heroes seems to be finally getting back on course thanks to a certain mr fuller. loved tracy's frozen carpark scene but HATES the fact that just about every single interesting, fun, female in the show has been killed (r.i.p elle, daphne, tracy, nikki, eden, candace) whilst who have a whole slew of useless males running amok on the streets (yes I mean you Mohinder)

- big bang theory. yay for nerds! haha

i KNOW i'm supposed to blog about my trip. but i really do have tons of work. so we'll see. zzz

Sunday, March 22, 2009

the anatomy of an spring break - photo-preview

haha.. hopefully i can finally actually blog out my spring break without it halting at the first slew of people-less shots. i humbly present the grande tour to iceland.. =)



pingvellir, or what they call parliament rock. i had to take my emo dusk shots


view atop pingvellir


visitor center atop pingvellir. my first attempt at this was a disaster bcos my 'models' just stood there without any hand motions and the likes. lol


nice shoes


lake @ pingvellir. apparently singapore is 8 times the size of this lake.


our rented cars. there was so much drama over the cars, from getting stuck in mud, snow, sand, getting parking tickets, getting stopped by police, getting impounded. you get the idea


gulfoss. amazingly beautiful place


some random bridge in the middle of nowhere


skogar falls peeking out


i spy a rainbow


view from climbing skogar


nippon paint skies, rainbow, waterfall. what more could u ask for?


emo shot 2 @ black sand beach


another perspective. here was where i took my super-poser shot that's now proudly on my facebook. shameless aint i


hali


ice lagoon. we went there to see seals, but the scenery was pretty remarkable. it was like walking in a snow desert


shadow shot number 2


snow desert part 2


some people found the buildings in iceland boring. i felt they perfectly complemented the surroundings


shadow shot number 3! this time in skatafel whilst walking on a glacier


ice cave


omg we walked 4 hours for this shot of an unknown canyon -_-


in Tjornin, Reykjavik


view from a kitschy restaurant where i had fish number 1: cod. (fyi, the next meal was halibut, followed by pliace, followed by wolf fish, followed by salmon. ahhh life)


swan lake. ok lame


around blue lagoon. i couldn't be bothered taking picture within blue lagoon cos it was just. so. damn. shiok to just relax around the waters


cutesy Reykjavik art


the landmark of Reykjavik in scaffolding. -_-.. off-season foibles


more Tjornin


ok thats it for the peopleless shots. hopefully more coming up

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

paints and psychoanalysis

hmm.. i feel like readers of my blog have endured so much flak of me being melodrama, cryptic and such that its time i write something that hopefully is really heartfelt (something that I have probably not done for awhile)

i realise how interesting life is with emotions. it is as though life is a blank canvas with our daily events sketched on by an artist's pen before emotions come to give it the color, the bravura, the fortissimos and the pianissimos. but yet we do have to realise, as emotional people, that our color palettes dont only consist of the brightest of hues but also the impenetrable darkness of blacks and greys. somedays we get the bright hues, but we all do noe that there are certain issues that come a-knocking at times that upsets the entire jar of black ink and sloshes the canvas with a murky black that seems to cover everything. nothing seems to be working. everything seems tainted.

hmm.. i dunno how to continue this. but i think the thing is - i dun regret the way i am made up. yes, the inky blackness seems irrational and melodramatic. but i get to taste the poignant sorrows of other people's issues, i get to emphatize with others in their sorrows, and i also get the contrasting joys. and i like that. something tells me i really wanna be a psychotherapist. a christian psychotehrapist. is that possible?

haha. enuff said. if i made u worried over my previous post, i'm sorry. i'm really really fine now. =)

Sunday, February 08, 2009

on failure

sometimes i'm so melodramatic. *rolls eyes

Saturday, February 07, 2009

something happened in cornell..

i was just looking through facebook photos.. and lo and behold.. just two and a half years ago, i looked like this:




and now..



i dunno.. maybe its the hair. i think something happened in cornell. (arggh.. and my face grew fatter!!!)

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

random musings, part deux

1. im gonna be late for school in 10 minutes

2. i love how washing my hair right before sleeping allows me to wake up with pretty cool "just-woken' up look hair - somedays it looks perfect (like today - no extra styling needed!), on others it just makes me feel like washing my hair all over again.

3. ice hotel. hmm. i was so cold it wasn't too fun. but still i paid 250 bucks for a survival experience. lol.. more photos coming soon

TBC... (im seriously late)

Monday, January 12, 2009

vegas, san fran, LA baby!

(otherwise titled the people-less, i-like-those-shots edition)


Alcatraz


Transamerica Pyramid


Vespa along Russian Hill


view walking up Telegraph Hill


walking along sf streets


looking out from embacardero ferry building


golden gate disappearing into the mist


golden gate park


some LA financial district building


walt disney concert hall. interesting we had just watched steve carrell's get smart the day before coming here


more curves


marina del rey beach


the docks


trees. lol


cactus garden in the getty center


getty center. i like this shot. it gave me a very 'big fish' kinda feel


central garden @ the getty


view along mullholland drive. apparently ben stiller's house was across the hill. err ok.


bottles in an italian restaurant in hollywood


me waiting impatiently for the pasadena rose tournament float viewing


flower power


more 'people' photos coming up lest my sis complains i dun send her any