chinese new year revelations

1. i am getting too old for CNY? red packets seem to be dwindling...

2. next year everything will have changed. i will most prob not be around, and my sis will have gotten married. wierd.

3. everyone of my siblings play dota. on battlenet. bleah.

4. wearing a new urban male shirt makes you the talk of the town. -_-

5. chinese new year shows are seriously devoid of any sense. but sammi cheng is darn chio.

6. visiting relatives is darn tiring sia. thank goodness tmr I get to stay at home and wait for people to come. ha!

7. barbecqued pork is delicious no matter what ever method served. yummy!

i give up

hey.. very irritating leh.. i've actually set my heart to grill and train myself in the finer aspects of doTa but then.. sia lah.. there's something wrong with my Zion now..

i've been trying to fiddle with zion settings the whole night and i still cannot connect! i get to the main screen of zion but then whatever game i click i cannot connect.. says "fail or disconnected".

SHEESH.

is this divine intervention? bleh... i wanna train! haha..

can someone tell me what is wrong? is it cos my mirc says it is expired, but still allows me to continue on?

sian lah... =(

the little irritating things of frank

i can be so subconsciously arrogant and obnoxious. like i can just talk and talk about how expert I am about stuff and how good I am about using this and this hero and so on so forth till i reach ownage... then when i play i kena frag like mad and i really feel quite shitty.

i dunno when to shut up. i can complain and whine so much people irritate me just to see my reaction. point has been proven over and over again. it's like a perennial "tease frank" session, and see who can say stuff and do stuff that really pisses frank off.

i think everything is about ME. point proven with the above two points. not only that, I want people to think everything is about ME. perhaps that's why I whine so much, to get attention and be the ultimate media whore that I desire to be. I like to be in the limelight and be in the constant midst of friends.

i'm so insecure. i live and breathe for recognition from people, for people to affirm me and what the shit. i think I am so darn smart with my assesing of people and how i can observe social lines and manipulate. yet, I'm the greatest sucker for emotional manipulation and blackmail cos I willingly do it to feel more secure with friends. I can waste the most time, do the stupidest things detrimental to myself just to get a form of recoginition from friends.

am i pathetic or what?

sigh. thanks for showing me my flaws the past few days. like how i always agree with people just to ensure I don't end up at the wrong side of a conversation. like how i think everything is about myself.

appreciate that.

but.. ouch.

and honestly, maybe i should quit the whole dota thing. I've hit a glass ceiling. I played for so fricking long liao and I still suck like shit. says alot doesn't it? there's like NO WAY i am going to be able to play as well or farm as well or whatever as well as so on so. so i kena OWNED. i can know every single character and the likes of them but what the hell? i get killed like nothing like that and get accused for kio-sai and not cooperating with the team.

same with table soccer.

sigh. and now i'm getting more and more worried with my school applications. keep getting letters telling me to send important documents that are missing when I have already sent it out. what's wrong this time?

am i really not going to get to any school?

am i such an ugly person that i am perceiving?

-moody-

singing away the blues

darn.. my throat hurts REAL REAL bad, speaking in this darn husky, shushed voice that couldn't be heard amidst my relatives loud chatter in the restaurant tonight. and i mean loud.

oh well, my mom says I deserved it. cos i went to K-lunch this morning and squeezed out every iota of tune and harmony from my voice to sing $6 worth of songs.. kept alternating between clucthing the mike, singing rapturously and gulping down large amounts of lemon water to try to push my sore throat to deeper recesses of my oesophagus.. yah rite!

so now i have a whopping sore throat. -_-

aniwez i realised there are many types of singers when K-boxing..
(P/S DO NOT TAKE THIS TO HEART. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE)

there's the buay-hiao-bai type of people who are pretty off tune yet just blast their entire vocal-chord's worth of sound into the microphone, drowning out other people's otherwise pretty decent voice..

then there's the know-thyself type of singer who plainly refuses to use the mike to sing and just whimpers some monotonous tune out whilst placing the mike at their adam's apple. -_-.. i mean!? it's K-box lor and we're your friends lor, not like you're auditioning for American Idol rite?

then the rest fall in the middle.

oh well.. it's darn fun. though seriously the sore throat for me was a serious buggeration. darn.. next time lor

liberation in sight!

darn it. now i'm really sick. got an MC today after waiting interminably long at this clinic and spewing my germs everywhere with my coughs..

bleah.. i realise i really hate gettin sick, despite all the talk about wanting to chao keng and so on. it fricking sucks cos you honestly feel like spending your time doing exciting things and whatsitnot but then you just cannot muster the enthuasism, the appetite or whatever to do those stuff... =(

niwaez i realise that with the realization of my impending ORD and the release from the NS life shackles, I'm already startin' to plan all sorts of merchandises and changes to show my LIBERATION.

haha.. an ipod mini first sprung up after I cursed creative for a confounded umpteenth time when I unsuccessfully tried to listen to music from the paltry pathetic piece of shit they called Creative Zen Micro.

I was literally snorting through my nose when I saw the advertisement on the front page of Today regarding the Overall Best in Show - Creative Vision:M. Yah rite! The only vision you'd probably see is my defective creative zen micro flying through you window displays man..

so yeah.. hell to you Creative for making me waste $300 bucks to realise how shitty your company actually is. I'm going for the mainstream i-pod liao.

next on the line? probably a nice, futuristic phone with all the nifty gadgetries and accesories that have been banned in NS camps.. I dunno what to get yet, cos all the new Nokia phones look singularly fugly but I still dun wish to have to re-learn how to type SMS-es with new phones, thou Samsung phones are really starting to look beautiful. Then can start snapping pictures and catching up on whatever wasted "youth" activties that has transpired since I entered NS. i sound darn pathetic rite? haha.

speaking on NS and camera phones.. I'm just waiting for the day that the lofty commanders in SAF to realise how retarded it is to try and ban camera phones for sercurity sake.. i mean like hello? nearly every single phone in the market now is camera enabled liao? somewhere down the line one side has to compromise.. and I don't think it's the HP companies...

after that it's to the salon for some hair improvement.. haha.. Wenjie says he intends to leave his hair as long as possible from now on, just to try out a long hair for a change before the manacles of the Singaporean society come clashing down again... for me? I think I'll just stick with a little dyeing maybe? hehe.. i dunno lah.. my parents already have been freaking out at me entertaining such notions.. -_-

oh well.. going back to rest liao.. i still wanna go for my saturday activities despire my doctor's pointed reminders to rest the whole weekend.. oh well...

understudy where art thou?

i have been stuck between two worlds this whole week - the responsible and wanna clear up all the rubbish before clearing frank and the heck care gonna ORD soon lao jiao ping

bleah. and in addition to that I'm sick thanks to kiatz for passing his flu/sore throat to me.. =(

but i guess today whilst I was planning my Off/Leave forecast, waiting for my fellow PCs to come back from their frenetic Ex Phantom Jade(hahaha), realising just about HOW close it is to ORD.. i can feel it..

so honestly, today some stone-load just dropped from my heart when I went to discuss my forecast with S4 and realised... OMG... i can clear after CNY! Yippee!! cos S4 wants me to teach my understudy when he comes... that is, IF he does..

I don't care liao lah... apparently most of the logistics stuff will land in the hands of RQ whilst QM will be rendered to be more or less a PC role to storeman, teaching them how to do proper link up and etc.. haha.. and honestly all these things I am like writing my own SOP.. just like the whole logistics monitoring crap that I came up to pacify my superiors.. =)

so there... has the burden finally been lifted? I dunno.. but I sure can't feel it now cos I'm feeling icky sick... SIANZ sia.

wonder what I'd name the next exercise I'm going to plan..

EX FAREWELL FRANK? EX PROJECT RUNAWAY?

hehe

the first 13 days

progress report

has not shown much improvement in whatsoever resolutions set down. still startlingly continues to lack a backbone and can honestly do the most profoundly stupid things just to meet people. personality like a chameleon, and that's not a praise.

seriously is there anything i can do about this malaise? i fricking hate it. individuality never seemt so precious man, especially since I feel like chaff being blown around by whichever prevailing wind (friend) it is. God help me... to fix my eyes on You and just emulate You and be like You.

sheesh.

frigid COLD

living on the 19th floor certainly guarantees free air conditioning especially at this time of the year.. it's really freezing cold here.. all the better it is to sleep i guess! zzZz

woke up late yet again for work together. well, technically not really but i refused to get out of bed since it was unreasonably cold and snuggling under my blanket felt so cosy.. haha.. and it was not my fault.. guy who was supposed to wake up me woke up even later.. haha. and he dared stare at me when i said we should wake up @ 10.. ORD mode on full blast eh? =)

aniwez, i've been having this bad habit recently of writing something just to get it off my skin and then deleting it the next day upon realizing the irrationality of it. so people who actually catch these posts, please just ignore them eh? haha

went to watch Pride and Prejudice (the reruns i guess) with my parents since they were very sore at missing it out the last time.. well.. there's something i really don't get about my parents.

1. they like to watch all the adverts before the movie. well, at least they like to leave house early then pander all their way to the cinema early and then sit there watching 20minutes of inane advertistment like that of iGallop (wow.. whoever came up with THAT concept)

2. my dad especially, has no qualms wearing a get-up that would qualify as a complete fashion disaster to anyone on the streets. what do i mean? he wore a torrid blue sweater with a screaming picture emblazoned at the back that just screamed PUNK-YOUTH, along with a modest black collared tee, working dark blue pants and slippers. wow. mismatch to the extreme sia..

oh well.. i shall not be mean. esp since I was the one who bought the torrid blue sweater in taiwan and then discarded it after finding out about the picture behind. shudderz...

aniwez, Pride and Prejudice was slow like siao... but still pretty nice.. nice in a sense that the houses were darn beautiful and the dialogue, the language was so melodious and soothing to the ears.. the witty banter between Lizzie and Mr Darcy was simply refreshing considering the trash that hits the radios now a day (yes, I mean you Guo Meimei and your craptacular Bu-Pa-Bu-Pa that plagued my bus trip to the MRT station)

the downside of the show? the cast was seriously not a pretty sight leh.. i dunno but Keira Knightley doesn't really look remotely pretty.. thinking back, she wasn't too chio @ Pirates either.. only at Love Actually was she actually ok.. and dun get me started about Domino.. wow

and then Jane was frumpish, and the rest of the girls simply were just wallpaper additions.. how sad.

hmm.. wadever.. going to sleep liao

mess initiation

hehe... mess initiation for the new officers is coming soon...

what should i order this time?

carl's junior?

cereal prawn?

the fantabulous looking chocolate fountain fondue that costs $198?

HAHAHA... new UIP officers beware...

evangelising for what?

honestly sometimes people just don't get the whole Christians trying to convert the whole world into Christianity, finding the whole concept ridiculous, intolerant and just plain arrogant, as though MY religion is BETTER than YOURS.

i know some Christians give God a really bad name, and i am trying myself not to become like that.. but... just some insights...

when someone actually approaches you to tell you the Gospel, (or as you call it conversion) have you ever wondered what he stands to gain from the whole thing? have you ever wondered why the heck he would have the courage to do such a thing and risk a friendship or just outright rejection?

for what? for money? for the addition of more members into the church so quotas are met and more money goes into offerings? for the tweaking of statistics to show one dominating religion? for a simple disdain for another's religion?

i think the answer is pretty obviously not from the above.

then?

i dunno about others. i never mustered enough courage to actually go tell someone the Gospel mainly cos i was so insecure of my friendships that I was afraid of losing them by adding religion into the conversations. Furthermore I always felt my actions in life were paltry examples of a life inspired by God.

yet, I REALLY wanted to share the Gospel to many of my friends. because I truly believed what I believed WAS the real deal and WAS life changing. I cared and loved each of these friends and wanted them too to share this great present.

in fact, having experienced how friends drifted apart through distance and time, I wanted to ensure these close friends of mine would be in Heaven for eternity. Imagine that! Isn't that really the greatest picture of Heaven? For me, it definitely is.

so that's that. I still don't have the courage so I will only stay at the sidelines and continue to pray to God to work in their hearts. Hopefully one day, sooner than later perhaps, the courage from God will come.

oh well, and to people who feel offended after reading this, please don't. there really isn't any reason to be. think about it.

answering questions

in reponse to someone's blog post

you know something? if u had actually known me even before NS you would have known my brand of "anger" is not the fast acting type that goes shooting through the roof or something..

my anger is unfortunately, the cold sort.. and it doesn't make me erupt.. it just.. dilutes the relationship with the person in question till I don't give two hoots about the person... and then I honestly cannot be bothered with the existence of the person stated anymore

happened once, happened twice, now it's threatening to happen again.

what really hurt
i really wanted the cds. but too bad. i never expected a present, and I was duly very touched by it. i never expected much concern cos i knew i didn't deserve it the way I treated people. but all in all, i was more appalled by the senselessness of it, and by masking it under the guise of something I really wanted was pure cruelty.

I don't know how you want me to take of it. honestly, I can just brush it off and act like nothing has happened but something has. and seriously, i'm getting to the stage of not being bothered and wondering what the heck is the point of going out with such people anymore. which is sad. it's becoming a burden.

i always said i have forgiven. but i never did i guess. still learning as always, but if i don't even have a grasp of my emotions then the process will be tough.

what caused the outburst against u
simple. wrong time, wrong place. i had not talked to anyone about this and honestly was going to let it slip away into the recesses of my memory but you unwittingly dredged it up. sorry u felt slapped back in the face whilst you were trying to diffuse situations and i mean it.

it's just more complicated than you think.

and i honestly... don't feel like caring anymore. that's all.

honestly I'm glad you slammed the "i thought u said learning forgiveness was a motto this year" jaunt at me cos it did make me reflect. my brand of forgiveness was to simply glide over the whole issue but beneath the surface there was much damage to the nature of the relationship. that was not true forgiveness at all. may i learn it better before it happens yet again.

haha.. i might not have made alot of sense. but whatever.

upgrading complete!

FINALLY i get the feeling I'm working in a real office environment thanks to the latest change of working platform in SAF.

honestly it has been a long wait. haha.. now i can actually enjoy typing out stuff to my still-status-unknown understudy so that in the event he still doesn't materialise when I'm off clearing leave then he should have a manual of the stuff i know.

i've given up complaining about not having an understudy and whatever, though i still feel sianz when i see my fellow PCs starting to do their FFIs and clearance forms.. the computers have been a good distraction =)

just realized it's slightly less/more than one month before i really start clearing off and leaves and whatever, wel depending on my OC's grace... one month before everyone familiar disappears and everything is thrown in the loop again..

funny isn't it? I remember in OCS during the last few months or so when we were labouring around the parade square getting "put-in-shape" by RSM and wishing that time would pass so fast so that we would commission... that might actually have been the most fun time of OCS, where friendships were set in stone and we could talk about anything we wanted to... it was a time where there were no inhibitions cos everyone knew each other well enough liao, and we were basically having a blast of a time..

yet.. all we were thinking of was how to make the time pass fast, to wish and hope and will for Commissioning Parade to arrive.

and then when it happens, we feel a sudden emptiness and rawness, that things HAVE changed. and the fun times cannot be relived. a reunion can only spur some memories back but that's it.. no more liao.

seems like deja vu now too, that everyone is actually so chummy liao and enjoying each other's company but then at the same time EVERYONE is just hoping and inching towards the ultimate goal of ORD.

oh well... just make the best use of this 1 plus month i guess..

recollecting 2005

ok.. a bit late for this but i guess I wasn't too bothered to blog yesterday cos I was watching some hilarious mahjong show..

what sums up my 2005?

oakley glasses. creative zen. iPAQ. le coq sportif tees. mayday CD.

please dun think I'm the epitome of materialism or some really pathetic shallow, vain person cos I'm not.

it's just a reminder of how much friends actually influenced me in my preferences, my decisions in life, and the way I lived 2005 generally. it's a little scary too how easily i actually get influenced. am i losing myself? or am i finding myself through my friends? Well, I never found out in 2005. What I hope for 2006 is to strike a balance and find the real ME.

some various lists:-

3 most memorable events in 2005:
1. church camp - possibly bcos it's so recent, the happy feeling of brothers and sisters in christ working together, having fun together and getting to know each other better is a great feeling. plus, the camp was riding on a wave of me going to fellowship more often and joining church choir.

2. commisioning parade - shi fang le! yippee! the euphoria is unmatched, and the drastic changes brought about by the rank on your shoulders, be it good or bad, is memorable.

3. finishing NDP '05 - the first NDP i actually had a sense of belonging and felt really patriotic about... of course, not needing to burn saturday after saturday was a comforting thought.

i started off 2005 riding on a wave of invincibility after commisioning from OCS, thinking I was a completely changed person, wanting to rewrite history and change from the PRC-looking geek i was in JC to a extroverted, popular person.. serious, that was what I felt...

then along the year, i start realising that i was missing the point, especially with regards to the popular part... in the process of trying to erase my past history, I was discarding old friends and just being disdaining of everything I did in my past - a completely detrimental and pointless thing to do.

2005 was a year I became very insecure with regards to friends, always wanting to fill my schedule with outings and meetings so as to maximise time with friends and so on... i was quite hurt along the way when things didn't turn out as I hoped, where friends drifted apart and just couldn't maintain the friendships forged through difficult times... but then, I realised it was poetic justice against me man... for my discarding of old friends....

so yeah... 2005 was a year of growth, a year of seeming invincibilities and crushing lows, a year of incessant insecurity, excessive peer influence and lastly, a year I learnt alot about myself and learnt alot about my weaknesses.

there's alot of things to do for 2006, i think yet again no point to set resolutions besides the mere fact to reduce any weaknesses and improve on strengths... (doTa strategy.. haha)

so 2006, here I am!