reflections from the tortured soul

its 3 days before i head back to ithaca.. really mixed feelings though, for those who know me, i pretty much went off the deep end the previous semester and carried all the festering issues to paris and subsequently back to singapore..

singapore has been great though. i've learnt alot. had alot of quiet time, lots of time to think, dissect, understand, feel hurt, resolve issues by myself.

things i have realised.

1. i am super competitive. some people might go 'duh' at this statement but honestly, i figure im so competitive that it actually hurts me. i dun enjoy what would otherwise be leisure sports, i compete in practically every possible thing. you know whats funny, (and to point 2) there was a particular person i once criticised/gossiped in jc to have ruined our friendship by his incessant comparisons and the boiling point was when he blew up when he realised we had similar cca scores even though he felt he hard worked much harder for it (well i don't deny that.. blame the system dun blame me) . competitiveness.. hmm.. i figure it actually stems from a sense of pride. pride that, instead of being manifested outward, is directed inward into a form of self-loathing, self berating and never allowing one to feel like.. 'ok you tried your best, frank, chill.' no, its a never-ending self chatisement, sense of incompleteness and incompetence, and of course it was not helped by the fact that i was honestly awed by the achievements of my close friends last semester.

thing is, it really boils down to pride. honestly, when we consider ourselves unworthy even when God has specifically said that he loves us the way we are.. then.. i wonder what sort of message we are trying to establish. what can't I accept myself as a beautiful, completed-with-God product that can be fully used as a vessel for Christ as long as I am willing to submit my will to Him?

2. it leads to the fact that I've come to recognise there's alot of bitterness within me, even as I establish a congenial, happy, and at times nonchalant demeanor. the bitterness manifests in one manner - my incessant gossiping and badmouthing of other individuals. i told sheryl that I got the feeling that we start gossiping mainly when we had a sense of bitterness and insecurity within our hearts and more often than not the exact topic we gossip about, or the people we gossip about are the exact issues that we often feel bitter about. its either that, or that there's a really twisted karmic retribution effect that attempts to place us in the exact situation of the people we gossiped previously of. i felt this so definitely this semester that it was like a proverbial slap across the face everytime i realised how my gossiping came back full circle to inflict itself on my life.

3. i have an obsessive complex with friends. boils down to my insecurity with being sociable, being within the 'popular crowd', being in the loop of matters. i once told someone i traced this complex to an incident of the past, where i had invited my primary school friends for my birthday party that was to be held in my house. not one came. ok im not being melodramatic, but honestly, it was a confluence of bad planning, a date that coincided with most people's travelling plans or maybe i was really that unlikeable, but it left a scar with me. (i mean it wasnt so bad since all my relatives and stuff where there, and i hadnt like invited alot of friends, but still.. well you get the idea) this lead to a few consequences: (1) i dont hold birthday parties anymore. (2) im deeply insecure about this, and to friends i honestly treasure, i become super neurotic. i expect that the amount of effort, energy, time that i put in would be reciprocated. of course, such a way of throwing my own neuroticisms onto others effective means that i become oversensitive toward my friend's perceived callousness and of course, I get hurt. kinda like a vicious cycle thingy. the thing is, last semester, it really hurt. i don't know when things started deterioriating, maybe when I kept sharing, but you kept placing barriers, walls, barricades, refused to share anything about yourself. then when i started getting neurotic.. well..

4. i really don't give up. honestly, it might seem like a good trait, but when its pretty obvious that the bus have left, the town has shut down and i'm the only one left on the train station, well.. i should errm wake up. thing is, i think i refused to submit to God's will and basically tried every single human alternative to make things work, but of course, things didn't work. in my mind, there's always this fantasy alternative that things would work out, that stuff would be reciprocated, that things could effectively change in an instant. but im wrong. its not that easy, and sometimes, we really have to kill that fantasy alternative and start living our realities.

am i ready for the next semester? well.. God, help me.